Highlights from SNL's Weekend Update with Seth Meyers, 3/2

Related: SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, SNL, Weekend Update, NBC

Below, check out highlights from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE with Seth Meyers, from March 2!

"WEEKEND UPDATE" ANCHOR Seth Meyers - "Republicans this week are reportedly very happy with House Speaker John Boehner's handling of the budget sequester and his refusal to further negotiate with the White House or Democrats. In other words, he's the man for the job if the job is not doing your job."

MEYERS - "Pope Benedict officially resigned on Thursday night, after eight years as Pontiff. - - revealing an incredible case of hat hair."

MEYERS - "After officially leaving the papacy on Thursday, Pope Benedict flew on a helicopter to Castel Gandolfo, where he will spend the next few months, I'm guessing, trying to kill James Bond?"

MEYERS - "Doctors in the New York and New Jersey area are saying that there will be a 30 percent increase in the number of babies born this July, who were conceived during the blackout caused by Hurricane Sandy. And then someday you can tell your child the story of how they only exist because your iPhone died."

MEYERS - "It was announced this week that Girls Gone Wild, the softcore porn company, has filed for bankruptcy. In response, drunk Girls across the nation held their shirts at half-mast."

MEYERS - "Indiana police arrested a man who called 911 nine times trying to order a cheeseburger. Said the 911 dispatcher, 'Sir, we've already brought you eight cheeseburgers.'"

MEYERS - "A new study reveals that stopping to walk during a work-out run is normal and it is the body's way of preserving energy. For more, check out this month's issue of 'Good Enough.'"

MEYERS - "A Florida man was injured when his dog, who was riding in the back of the man's pickup truck, stepped on a pistol and shot his owner. Because sometimes, payback is literally a bitch."

MEYERS - "Insiders are saying that the next season of Downton Abbey will feature the series first black character, a jazz singer. The character will be sent to live at Downton Abbey after he got in one little fight and his mom got scared."

MEYERS - "Some parents in Massachusetts are upset with new "fat letters" being sent out by schools informing them that their children are obese. Though they could have used gentler phrasing than 'Your kid's a wicked porker.'"

MEYERS - "A pregnant California woman has agreed to allow online voters to name her baby in exchange for 5,000 dollars. And I'm sure the fact that she made a little money will be a huge consolation to little Fart Loser NarwhAl Jones."

MEYERS - "Disney has developed a new video game called "Disney City Girl," which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder. To win the game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made."

MEYERS - "Florida police arrested a man after he allegedly assaulted his teenage brother-in-law with a Taco Bell burrito. So if you guessed in-law in Florida with a burrito, you won this week's game of White Trash Clue."