"Have you guys been following the whole immigration fight in Arizona? Well, at a rally this weekend, Sarah Palin said, “We’re all Arizonans now." Yeah, at which point every immigrant in Arizona was like, "soooo...we can stay?"
"Hey, here's some big TV news. Fox has the Super Bowl next year and they just announced they're airing an episode of "Glee" right after. So in one night, you can find out which of your friends is rooting for the other team, and which one’s actually playing for it."
"Of course, everyone’s still talking about the oil disaster. In a new interview, BP’s CEO Tony Hayward said the Gulf Coast oil spill is “relatively tiny” compared to the “very big ocean.” Seriously??? That’s like telling someone who’s just been shot not to worry about the bullet, because they’re really, really fat."
"Here’s some business news. The Euro is officially at its lowest point in four years. I guess this explains why today, I saw it wearing sweatpants, eating Cheetos and auditioning for the next season of "Celebrity Rehab."
"Listen to this, you guys. A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a Census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though—even as she was being fired at, she was like "Is that your ONLY firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse or a common-law partner? !"
"This is pretty interesting. A new poll found 55 percent of Russians think bribing officials is the best way to solve problems. Actually, the study initially said it was 80 percent, but 'they had sudden change of mind.'"
"A new study found that wine stored in boxes loses its flavor after six months. Although if your thing is "boxed wine," I doubt you’re the kind of guy who keeps it for more than six months. I'm waiting for a special occasion to pop this baby open."
"And finally, an animal shelter in Long Island is seeking donations of Viagra for a dog who needs it for a heart condition. Although I'm not sure I'm completely behind their slogan, "Come on, give a dog a bone."
"Here’s some big TV news. Kate Gosselin has joined Entertainment Tonight as a special “Dancing With the Stars” correspondent. It’s a little awkward when the anchors are like, “So Kate, how would you rate that last performance— excellent, mediocre, or Kate Gosselin?”
"This oil spill is still a total mess. The Coast Guard is now saying that twenty of these things called “tar balls” have been found off the Florida Keys, but they’re NOT sure if the tar balls are from the Gulf Coast spill. Seriously? That's like finding a giant clock necklace, and not being sure if it's from Flavor Flav."
"I can’t believe this story. Have you heard about this guy, Richard Blumenthal, a Democratic candidate for Senate in Connecticut? It turns out he actually LIED about serving in Vietnam. Not good. In fact today, he said this was the most scared he’s been since he became the first man to walk on the moon."
"That’s right, Democrat Richard Blumenthal LIED about serving in Vietnam in several speeches. Which I guess explains why his descriptions of the war sound like Wikipedia entries. “It was hard fighting in a place with an annual rainfall of 93.6 inches. Can you imagine – in a country that’s the largest producer of cashew nuts in the world?!"
"This is just insane. Officials in Naples, Italy believe that local pizza makers are digging up coffins from a cemetery, and using the wood to heat their ovens. Which explains one restaurant's slogan, "Naples Pizza: It tastes just like Grandma…used to taste!"
"Check this out. There are rumors going around that Simon Cowell is going to be knighted by the Queen in June. Can’t wait to see someone finally take the Queen down a notch. "You call that a knighting? Just cut my eyes out because I can’t look at this – it was crap! Totally derivative!" "That’s like someone getting knighted on a cruise ship!"
"This is cool for anyone looking to drop a few pounds this summer. There’s a new Internet app that shows you how many calories you burn from tweeting. Here’s a hint: it’s zero."
"A police force in Germany is experimenting with vultures as an alternative to police dogs for finding dead bodies. Most interested in how that turns out? Naples pizza makers. "Naples Pizza: It tastes just like Grandma…used to taste!"
"Man, another big sex scandal. After admitting to an affair with a staffer, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder said he is leaving office to focus on repairing his marriage, and renewing his walk with the Lord. And today, the Lord was like, “Uh – why don’t you start without me."
"Listen to this. Iraq security forces say they have detained an al-Qaeda member suspected of planning an attack on the World Cup in South Africa next month. The man has already admitted that terror and destruction was his ultimate GOOOOOOOOAAL!!!"
"Aviation officials in Europe announced new rules that will allow planes to fly through the volcanic ash if they get special approval. Yeah, I’d love to hear the pilot on one of those flights: "To your left, you’ll see a massive ash cloud...windows are sort of useless right now. I might as well come back and sit with you guys. What movie are they playing, "The Squeakquel"? I don't know how they get those chipmunks to sing. That's pretty cool. They spent alot of money. I think it's VGI?"
"And finally, this is a true story…A woman in Pennsylvania was running away from the cops and decided to hide out in a coffin at a funeral home. Yeah, I guess she was only discovered later, when this pizza place tried to use it to cook pizza."
"Let’s get right to the news. During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded HIM that he was already the President a year ago."
"Have you guys been following this Richard Blumenthal guy who's running for senate and lied about Vietnam? Well, he claims he meant to say that he served "during Vietnam" instead of "in Vietnam." For real? So if I was a waiter at Outback Steakhouse in the 90’s, does that mean I "served during the Gulf War?" "Yeah I "served" back in '91. Still get flashbacks of those bloomin' onions, man. Jalapeno poppers."
"This is crazy. During halftime at the Celtics-Magic playoff game last night, a referee threw a basketball at an obnoxious, rowdy fan. The ref shouldn't have done that, but on the bright side…I got a free basketball."
"Speaking of the NBA, New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was busted in Queens last night with five bags of pot. Yeah, they could tell it was one of the Knicks, because every time he'd try and pass a joint, somebody would steal it."
"And I thought this was a little harsh…They sentenced him to five more years with the Knicks. That's cruel and unusual."
"This is pretty interesting. According to new research, unattractive defendants are 22 percent more likely to be convicted than good-looking ones. Although to be fair, the good-looking defendants have a much harder time AFTER they're convicted."
"Check this out. A new study found that the average man tells 1,092 lies a year. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said that – it’s actually 1,091".
"How are you guys feeling tonight? Let’s get right to the news. Last night at the big White House state dinner, Capricia Marshal, the U.S. Chief of Protocol, slipped on the White House steps right next to the Obamas. Yeah, it was such a nasty spill, that BP showed up and tried to put a top hat on her."
"Hey, did you hear this? Kate Gosselin is coming back to “Dancing with the Stars!” That’s right, she’s going to be on the season finale next week - and says she’ll be dancing to a combination of two songs…the one playing in the room, and the completely different one happening in her head."