Quotables from LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON , Week of 1/14
LATE NIGHT WITH JIMMY FALLON, NBC
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Below, check out quotables from NBC's Late Night with Jimmy Fallon JANUARY 14 - 18:
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! We've got a great show. Here's what people are talking about. Last night, "Les Miserables" won the Golden Globe for best musical or comedy. The musical part was Anne Hathaway singing, and I'm guessing the comedy part was Russell Crowe singing.
I was actually at The Golden Globes last night. I got to present an award with Jay Leno. Yeah, and you know, he was so nice - when we were done, he personally drove me to the airport and made sure I got on my plane.
Did you guys see this? Taylor Swift was photographed alone at the Golden Globes. So you know what that means: (WHISPER) she's dating a ghost!
This is cool. Last night, "Brave" won the Golden Globe for best animated film. Although I thought it was a little weird that they gave the award for "Brave" to whoever was sitting next to Al Roker.
Everyone was talking about how cold it was on The Golden Globes red carpet, with temperatures in the low-50's. In fact it was so cold, Ryan Seacrest had to get his hair defrosted.
There were also some big football games this weekend. Did you guys watch any of these games? Some great games. On Saturday, the Ravens beat the Broncos 38-35 after two overtimes. I'm not saying it went too long, but even Jodie Foster was like, "Jeez, wrap it up."
Some political news. Let's get political. I heard that President Obama's inauguration will have its own iPhone app that includes a map to public restrooms. Or as Al Roker put it, "Download complete!" (Which is ALSO what he said after pooping his pants at the White House.)
Some music news. You guys like music? Black Sabbath is reuniting with Ozzy Osbourne for their first album together in 35 years. You can tell that they're getting up there, cuz now all Ozzy can do is gum at a bat's head for 30 seconds until it flies away.
Hey, I want to say congrats to 23-year-old Mallory Hagan from Brooklyn, New York, who won the Miss America Pageant on Saturday. You could tell she's from Brooklyn, cuz instead of saying she wanted world peace, she was like, (BROOKLYN) "War? Fugheddaboutit!"
And finally, I read that Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry, they'll still be free at the airport.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, everybody! You guys, everybody is talking about Oprah's interview with Lance Armstrong, where he finally admitted to doping. And get this - the interview supposedly lasted close to three hours. So it's sort of like a regular interview, but you know...on steroids.
Here's some political news. President Obama's inaugural parade will feature eight floats, including a Hawaii float to honor his birthplace, an Illinois float to honor the first lady's home state, and a Kenyan float just to mess with Republicans. ("Wait a second...He said he wasn't...")
Speaking of Obama. I heard the president will push for a path to citizenship for 11 million illegal immigrants in the U.S. Obama says it's all part of his plan to give every man, woman and child the chance to pay more taxes.
More news out of Washington. Education Secretary Arne Duncan announced that he will stay at the White House for President Obama's second term. He said his mission is to make the U.S. number one in education, and won't stop til our students are doing gooder.
Some movie news. MGM is coming out with a remake of the classic 1959 film "Ben-Hur." Yeah, you can tell it's a remake, cuz instead of being about a Jewish prince who is betrayed by his Roman friend, sent into slavery, and then seeks Revenge - it's just about sexy vampires.
Get this. On Sunday, an elderly man in Chicago accidentally crashed his car into an Apple Store. And not surprisingly, he didn't look any more confused than all the other elderly people inside the Apple Store. ("Where are the apples? This is a Macintosh?")
Did you see this? A week after calling A.J. McCarron's girlfriend beautiful, last night ESPN commentator Brent Musburger referred to a female sideline reporter as "really smokin'." Which explains why people are now referring to his career as "really over."
I read that NASA just spent 18 million dollars to add an extra room to the International Space Station. It could have been cheaper but NASA's wife demanded granite countertops.
And finally, a new survey found that 35 percent of Americans use the Internet to diagnose themselves instead of going to a doctor. While the rest go to the doctor and let him search for a diagnosis on the Internet.
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. I'm sorry if I seem a little distracted; I just confessed to Oprah that when I played T-ball in kindergarten, I was on Juicy-Juice.
Oprah's big interview with Lance Armstrong is getting a lot of attention. It's a pretty big deal, and Oprah said to get ready she prepared 112 questions. Yep, the first question was, "Did you use steroids?", while the next 111 questions were, "Oh, c'mon - you used steroids, right??"
And now they're saying Lance may be forced to return the endorsement money he received from the US Postal Service. Seriously? I'm pretty sure the only group that's lied more than Lance Armstrong is the U.S. Postal Service. "Yeah, it'll be there in 2-3 business days, don't worry about it."
Here's some political news. On Sunday, the White House will hold a private swearing-in ceremony for President Obama. Not to be outdone, on Sunday Republicans will hold a private swearing-AT ceremony for President Obama.
This was big. Tonight was the season premiere of "American Idol" with new judges Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey. Yeah, viewers got to see all the crazy hair, the diva behavior...But enough about Ryan Seacrest.
Get this. A week after saying, "I'm not leaving Oregon for the NFL," Chip Kelly has agreed to be the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even Lance Armstrong was like, "Pick a story and stick with it man."
This is interesting. The beginning of the movie "Lincoln" has been slightly changed to explain the Civil War to foreign audiences. Or as Lincoln put it, "Yeah, woulda preferred a different ending."
And finally, officials in Pennsylvania are apologizing after a computer glitch printed the wrong fathers' names on 500 birth certificates. So congratulations to The Maury Povich Show for getting renewed for 20 more years!
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Everyone's talking about this Manti Te'o story. Have you heard about this? Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o is being accused of making up an online girlfriend, and then lying about her death last year so that it would help him win the Heisman Trophy. Or as Manti Te'o put it, "I'm gonna have to talk to Oprah, aren't I??"
That's right, Manti Te'o's online girlfriend was a complete fabrication. When they heard that, nerds were like, "Man - even imaginary Girls only like jocks."
Here's some political news. In a recent attack ad, the NRA claims that President Obama cares about his own children more than he cares about other children. In response, President Obama was like, "Yeah, that's how families work."
This isn't good. Cirque du Soleil just announced that it is cutting 400 jobs. So on the downside, hundreds of clowns will lose their jobs; but on the bright side, it'll free up, like, two spaces in the parking lot.
I saw that this weekend is the 30th annual Adult Film Awards - which is often referred to as the Oscars of porn. Mainly because Ben Affleck wasn't nominated.
And finally, a doctor in Britain has created a mathematical formula, and calculated that next Monday is the saddest day of the year. Or as Makers of cookie dough ice cream call it, "the happiest day of the year!"
Welcome to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon! Here's what people are talking about. Did you guys see Oprah's Lance Armstrong interview last night? Well, a lot of people are saying that Lance said all the right things in the interview, but he seemed to lack emotion. Yeah, it's almost like he needed a little something for more energy. If only he could take something for that.
After their interview, Oprah said that Lance Armstrong was honest and contrite about his doping. "Yeah, I'll believe it when I see it," said Manti Te'o.
Here's some political news. Yesterday, Joe Biden defended the White House's gun-control initiative by saying that he actually has two guns himself. Then Biden was like, "And I never leave home without 'em."
Hey, this week was the season premiere of "American Idol." And this year people are able to nominate their talented friends who don't want to audition. Yeah, making someone try out for something they don't really want - or as Republicans call that, "the Romney plan."
Listen to this. The original Batmobile from the 1960s Batman series is expected to sell for five million dollars at an auction this weekend. So if you've got five million dollars and want to look like Batman, why not just become Batman?
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