STEP OFF: DANCING's Semi-Finals End Up as a 'Bad' Mish-Mash

We're at the tail end of this season's DANCING WITH THE STARS: ALL STARS. It's a little bit like the last day of middle school, isn't it? We can only hope it gets a little bit better from here.

There's a bit of light that inspires, as if maybe next year, at the dawn of high school, there might not be any de-pantsing in the middle of the cafeteria - or that maybe Bristol Palin won't come back to DANCING WITH THE STARS. A light that signifies that there just might be an end to all of this suffering: an end to insatiable awkwardness like gawky legs or acne scars or Bruno Tonioli - or the hilariously weird mash-ups forced upon the contestants in tonight's episode. 

Yeah, tonight's episode, the first night of the semi-finals, featured some of the oddest routines ever performed on the DANCING stage. Including, but not limited to, the "Knight Rider" banghra and the "Caveman" hustle. I mean, who even imagines that this could work out in favor of the competition itself? It's like a Turducken. (A duck stuffed inside of a chicken stuffed inside of a turkey for those who didn't watch The Food Network in 2003.) It makes no sense!

The contestants also had to create a Michael Jackson-themed Latin dance just because. It's actually the 25th anniversary of "Bad" being released - and that has everything to do with DANCING WITH THE STARS.

To see how each star fared, check out the breakdown of tonight's episode below:

Shawn Johnson & Derek Hough: 30/30 + 29/30 = 59/60
Mash-Up: "Knight Rider" Banghra
What the Judges Thought:
 - Len: "[It was] fantastic."
What Derek Thought: "I would rather have mustard on ice cream as a combination of things."
Score: 30/30

Jackson Dance: Argentine Tango to "Bad"
What the Judges Thought:
 - Carrie Ann:"Every line was perfect, but dance is sometimes more than just movement and I thought that you lacked the real passion of the Argentine tango."
Score: 29/30

Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani: 27.5/30 + 30/30 = 57.5/30
Mash-Up: "Caveman" Hustle
What the Judges Thought:
 - Len: "Fred and Wilma have never danced so well."
Score: 27.5/30

Jackson Dance: Argentine Tango to "Dirty Diana"
What the Judges Thought:
 - Len: "I would be really disappointed if you're not here next week."
 - Carrie Ann: "That was beyond anything I could have imagined for you."
Score: 30/30

Apolo Anton Ohno & Karina Smirnoff: 27/30 + 30/30 = 57/60
Mash-Up: "Big-Top" Jazz
What the Judges Thought:
 - Bruno:"[It was a] great mixture of jazz movement."
Score: 27/30

Jackson Dance: Rumba to "Man in the Mirror"
What the Judges Thought:
 - Len: "There was wave after wave of effortless motion. There was a subtlety to it, there was a calmness. It captivated - it was fabulous."
Score: 30/30

Emmitt Smith & Cheryl Burke: 27/30 + 27/30 = 54/60
Mash-Up: "Espionage" Lindy Hop
What the Judges Thought:
 - Bruno: "It was like a LOONEY TUNES version of James Bond…but [it was] the most fun performance I've seen you do."
Score: 27/30

Jackson Dance: Tango to "Leave Me Alone"
What the Judges Thought:
 - Len: "You've coped marvelously well with two dances that didn't really suit you."
Score: 27/30

Kelly Monaco & Valentin Chmerkovskiy: 25.5/30 + 28.5/30 = 54/60
Mash-Up: "Surfer" Flamenco
What the Judges Thought:
 - Bruno: "It had a lot of aggression and a lot of fire. But the flamenco has very, very exact placement - it wasn't there."
Score: 25.5/30

Jackson Dance: Rumba to "I Just Can't Stop Loving You"
What the Judges Thought:
 - Bruno: "That was smoldering, driven by desire, and consumed by lust."
Score: 28.5/30

Be sure to check BroadwayWorld tomorrow night to find out which three contestants have secured their last, desperate shot at fame/the mirrorball trophy, and which two got the boot.

Also featured on tomorrow's elimination: a performance by Paula Abdul that's sure to be enlightening. Whoo.